| Naturally I'm Drunk |
[Jul. 29th, 2011|10:55 pm] |
I'm sitting here with a few empty bottles and a few empty thoughts. I'll probably be too positive right now, but that's ok. I'm having a strange summer. Cancer is terrible, and every time I think about the fate of my aunt and her children I fall apart a little bit inside. God bless the woman for fighting as hard as she can. Not trying to be morbid, but it is silly to deny that it has been a big part of my summer. I am suddenly more attentive to my parents and their lifestyles because of my aunt's condition. I hope the fight against cancer lasts a long time. Let us pray.
I haven't taken any time off for the summer. No vacation. I extremely regret it. I have the rest of my life to live.
Miss Edan to death.
I haven't seen some people from my past, and I wonder if I ever will.
The past 9 months have been an emotional roller coaster. I'm finally becoming comfortable with having a girlfriend. I took a chance and went for it, and it has made all the difference. I'm sincerely content.
Everyone has their ups and downs. It's amazing how much it is possible to second guess every decision in life. I look okay. I should work out more. I'm having fun. I'm missing something. I'm ready for student teaching. I'm going to make a fool of myself. I miss my friends. What friends? My arm hurts! I need a beer!
These are my dilemmas.
I've decided that I've learned a ton of interesting information in college that I can't remember. It was awesome when I learned it, and it sparked my interest, but I can't remember a fucking thing. My jeopardy game is lacking.
Enjoy a pint, everyone. |
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| my problems are your problems |
[Jan. 11th, 2011|01:05 am] |
I want to take a quick second out to talk about the congresswoman who was shot this week. How insane is our world? I mean, I read the news, I like to stay up with the events taking place around the globe and within our own country, but this struck a new chord of disgust in my life. A person representing our country was shot by a crazed and lonely young man who was reckless and destructive. The innocent people that died, including a 9-year old girl, really make me sick to my stomach. We live in a free society where people are allowed to voice their opinions, but the use of violence against people that don't hold the same views is strictly absurd. My heart goes out to the victims and the families of the victims. Justice will be served, but it will not take back the tragedy that occurred.
It is an important topic to me because I find public office to be extremely interesting, and a goal in my life is to one day serve my country in a governmental position. It is scary to think that your life is on the line for having differing opinions than extremists who feel personally attacked by our government. Democracy does not create happiness for everyone, but its greatness rests in the fact that it is a government where the people decide what is best. Although you may disagree with governmental agendas, they people that make decisions are representatives of the people. Probably not enough people understand this idea and look to blame the government for their problems. If everyone worked together and understood that the government can't solve all the problems, we would live in a more comfortable society. These are my opinions, of course, and I cannot speak for others.
It's difficult for me too because I have different political beliefs than my girlfriend and her family. Here I am, trying to make myself fit in with a new set of people, and I hold opposite fundamental beliefs than them. I hold a certain prejudice towards people that are ignorant of the basics of current events, and so the fact that she believes what her family says kind of irritates me. I have opinions but I like to think I'm educated. She is proof that many people in our country hold blind beliefs without truly thinking about the issues at stake. I have no problem with people who oppose me, and I actually encourage dissent so that I can learn more. But I don't have time for people who argue yet remain uninformed. Politics are important to me, as much as sports are actually. I would never base my relationships on it, and I know things can work when you put aside political beliefs, but it is more of an internal blow to me than you might imagine. Surely I am not the first person to have afflicting viewpoints with potential family members.
I'm different because I'm different. I care but I probably shouldn't. My life has many more branches now. I feel more at peace. I still get bothered easily, but I get over things easier as well. I'm moving on in my life. I've said these sort of things for years, but I believe that I've always been making efforts to maintain a unique advantage. I'm not ready to admit I'm mature, but I've begun to see the writing on the wall a little more lately. I've thought about my life in a more practical sense. Where would I want to live? What kind of education do I want my kids to have? How are the next 5 years of my life going to go? Should I fart or hold it in? What will it take for me to get a job? I should probably have 6 beers instead of 16 tonight. How else can I become a better person? My hopes are that other people my age are thinking about these things too, but I know its not the case. I have a few friends that sincerely care about the future and are making conscious efforts to plan things out, and I feel a connection to those people. But my hometown rift occurs when people just don't give a shit. I'm all for the stress free lifestyle, I really am, but planning ahead doesn't have to be stressful. It can actually be exciting.
If you want something, you have to work for it. In the "real" world, things don't just fall into your lap. The sooner we learn this, the more prepared we will be. Until then, enjoy frosty Coors Light. |
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| bringing in the new year |
[Dec. 29th, 2010|02:58 pm] |
i think i'm leaving 2010 on a positive note. i started the year by getting drunk and stumbling around bars, hoping that i wouldnt see the people that laughed at me the night before. definitely a part of my life that i wish that i had back. but then i had the road trip, by far the coolest experience in my life thus far. gotta get out there and travel, man. that was awesome. the rest of the summer was kind of lame, i was drinking just to get by, not really caring about anything in my life. and the semester is broken into two halves. in the beginning, i was being an ass but keeping my eye on a girl that was taken. but i refused to let it go. and now i love her, and she loves me. its a great ending. i'm thankful for the people that keep me going in my life. its been up and down, but thats probably how it has to be. i'm feeling good. i'm 21 and i feel like i have some control over my life, my future, my well-being. i'm back to being good old smitty. i'm not bitter, but i'm on twitter. i look forward to the unknown of 2011, but i'm not worried about the potential obstacles. life is a struggle. don't accept less than you deserve. cheers, slainte!
smittacious. |
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| the end of nothing, the beginning of everything |
[Dec. 15th, 2010|10:21 pm] |
studying for finals
loving someone
moderate drinking
broke my phone
sluggling Monsters
modest mouse
New York Times
brazilian chicken grilled flatbread
marist radio
sex
sex.
planning, not planning
being an idiot
spending money carelessly
being freezing, getting hives
being almost hung over
wanting to be away from everyone
not wanting to go home
but wanting to see my family
thinking about the west
not caring a fuck about sports
working out, not working out
smoking on the hudson river
writing papers and being pissed off
stressed, not stressed
nervous, excited
taking shits
thinking about money
billy joel to keep me sane
this is my semester, this is my life, this is everything. i'm tired, but i've never been happier. |
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| weird, right? |
[Nov. 13th, 2010|03:33 pm] |
A month ago, I went down to the river by myself to get away from everyone for awhile. I sat down on a rock and wrote a poem. I then wrote a quick blurb of my feelings at the time. I was confused. Today, I opened up the notebook to see what I wrote. And in a month, my life has changed dramatically. I was wondering why I was stuck in another impossible situation. I was questioning why I was getting involved with a girl that had a boyfriend for almost 4 years. That's a long fucking time. My natural instinct was to say that I hate people in love, and that I'm too independent for that, blah blah blah. I was just jealous. I was repressing my feelings and looking for ways to make excuses. I was content, but I wasn't happy. But things have changed. I turned 21, and it wasn't even a big deal. I bought beer. Home was cool though, seeing everyone at Cavs. My friends from school made it semi-memorable. But the past 2 weeks have been insane for me. Seriously!
I'll fill you in quick. She texts me. "Mike and I broke up." (Mike's her ex-boyfriend, go figure) I'm stoned. I console her. The next day (Friday) she wants to go out and drink to have a good time. I oblige. She gets too drunk to go out. I take care of her, bring her to bed, waste my night. The next night is my turn. I get drunk, make not-so-subtle moves, she laughs, but sends me on my way. Sunday night. I'm studying for my test. We're doing our normal shooting of the shit. But then she asks if she can come over the next day. Come over? She wants to talk. I'm going insane, because I don't know what she is going to say to me. I walk to her house that night because I can't sleep. She tells me about the break up, tells me how her life has been going, tells me she has some feelings for me. I tell her exactly how I feel. She's so happy. We're taking it slow. We go downstairs, I get a goodnight kiss. It's perfect.
And since then, we've been like this strange couple. We hang out, I woke up at 6 in the morning to go back to bed with her. She's exactly what I've wanted and/or needed. But she's still battling the fact that she is still newly out of the other relationship. I'm willing to work with her (I have nothing better to do). So its a wait and see kind of thing. I think everyone will love her.
So, see you later! |
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| Oddly Enough |
[Oct. 1st, 2010|09:53 pm] |
Oddly enough, I've thought about writing almost every night before I go to bed the past few weeks. But I'm afraid to. I'm afraid I won't be able to say what I want to say. Probably because I don't want to say it! It's been an odd semester thus far. School is challenging, but I'm not getting stressed out about it. I'm wondering if I'm getting complacent. Classes are cool. Sex, Death, Disease. I've learned a lot already (and have found it immensely difficult to learn to condense my writing in an essay to only touch upon the main argument. I want to write 10 pages. I have so much to say. And there is American Presidency. This is my shit. This is my calling. Waking up to Washington, Jefferson, Jackson, the Constitution! Man, I could have been a great Political Science major. Too bad I have no backbone. At least I went for history though. Such a deep appreciation for history. I get excited just thinking about it. I could talk for days about the things I've learned. High school history needs to step up its game (that's where I come in). Back to the point. Ethics!? Yeah Aristotle had some good ideas, but it's difficult to get through. I'll find an appreciation for it at the end though. My literature class is a joke. Let's dig deep into the material, professor. Enough with the petty assignments and uninspiring classes. Last but not least, Teaching Literacy. I know why the education system sucks. We have shitty teachers. But it doesn't help when the professors teaching the teachers are shitty as well. These are the people who are fucking up. But yeah, that's my week in a nutshell. It's reading, assignments, and bullshit. So why stress?
To the topic of living:
I live with 8 guys in a townhouse, if that is what we must call it. 2 randoms on the first floor. Matt, from Boston, is socially incompetent. Can't look you in the eye, can't hold a conversation. Almost some pity for him. We're 20 Matt, we have to start developing our social skills. His roommate, Pat, is a senior. Cool guy, but he doesn't really get involved with us. Actually, I see him about 5 times in a week. TOTAL. But hey, he's entitled to his own thing and we appreciate the fact that he isn't a douchebag. TO THE UPSTAIRS. Leroy and John live together in the biggest room. John and his girlfriend Elora recently broke up (this will be an important part to the rest of this). Leroy is a really cool guy, and I'm sure we were all unsure (unreasonably so) of how he would be. He's funny, social, and does his own thing. He's on our basketball team too. John is going through a strange time but is handling it really well. And he's trying as hard as he can to get his academic life in order. Good for him. TJ and Joe are in the other room. Joe is going through personal issues that I will never understand, but I cannot judge, and I wish him the best in figuring things out. It is bothersome when it becomes a burden on our lives, which is often the case, but we're his friends. I wish things were better for him because they would be better for us, but in due time it will all work out. TJ is free-loving, non-caring, and awesome. We naturally stick close together to fight off the irregularities in everyone's lives. Without him, I am bitter, confused, and probably more bitter. And lastly, there is Eric and I. We've been roommates for 3 years. We know what we like and know what we don't like, and our day kind of balances between the two. He hates me for my free-spirit and confidence and I hate him for his quitting attitude and lack of ideals. He doesn't even know what an opinion is. I don't argue with him, I argue with what he's been told his whole life. He's really empty, but I still love him. He has an incredible heart, but we will never see eye to eye (almost on anything).
I kind of run things. We know this is my nature. This isn't being over-confident or elitist. I don't deny that I love control. A very large flaw in my life is my inability to adapt. I definitely like it my way (not your highway). I have a fascination with being all-knowing. I know where everyone is during the day, I know what's going on in everyone's life, I'm the guy everyone comes to when they are looking for something. Of course I relish in this, although I've done a decent job in my life of pretending that I didn't. I have some sort of leadership quality that allows people to attract towards me and I've never had a problem with having that responsibility. It's sometimes annoying because I want other people to decide what's going on, and I don't want to hear it when people disagree. I'm all for putting out a plan, and I'm fine with hearing other options, but I don't like when people complain about stuff without speaking up in the first place. Sometimes I feel like my friends would shit themselves if I wasn't around to make sure things were okay, and I know that isn't true at all but it really feels that way. I wake up Joe for class instead of him setting an alarm. I tell TJ when he has meetings. I set up our intramural basketball team. My glory doesn't reside in the fact that I do these things to receive credit, although I don't deny that I've made myself out to be a martyr before. I'm cool with helping out my friends. I don't know what I'm really getting at, but I think this is reassuring me that I'm not a bad person. I'm the captain. That's it.
But I sort of am a bad person. Let's go back to the story of John breaking up with his girlfriend. His ex-girlfriend, Elora, is a lovely girl, very mellow, plays guitar, really big into volunteerism, activism for poor people, very creative, personable, and definitely attractive. She's been known to get drunk before, and I can't judge her on that regard, because I've been drunk and absurd too many times. But she is the I'm-drunk-and-want-to-try-to-hold-your-hand-even-though-you-are-my-boyfriend's-housemates-and-best-friends-but-I'll-forget-about-this-tomorrow kind of drunk. She's touchy, and I don't like it. Neither does John. It's not the exact reason they broke up. In fact, it also had to deal with time spent together issue. Not enough attention for her (dinner together almost every night wasn't enough- also, she didn't believe John was "studying"). But that's fine, they are moving on. What makes this story interesting is how it involves me.
Elora lives with a girl named Alyssa, who transferred to Marist last year. Long-Island bred. Connetquot no less! And her BOYFRIEND beat me in the County Championship! Is this fate or what? On the first night back to school, she got really drunk and I took care of her. Literally (and you all know I hate when people say literally)gave her the shirt off my back to keep her warm. We went back to my house, sobered her up, and she went on her way. We met last year and became decent friends, but nothing really close. But after the first night of junior year, it's kind of been crazy. One night we were both hammered on my couch together while everyone was out doing their own thing. Perhaps this is all in my head (which is very plausible) but something was there. She borrows my clothes, sits up close, looks me into the eyes. I naturally fall asleep and give her a pillow to sleep downstairs (in the hopes that she calls my bluff and joins me romantically in my bed). This doesn't happen. But texting, oh my texting! It's quantity and quality. My friends call me out on the absurdity. She has a boyfriend of 3 years, she's using me for emotional closeness, I'm wasting my time, I should be out banging everyone else, they don't want to hear it. I don't want to tell them! It's almost secretive for both of us, as she receives flack from her house as well. Surely they are wondering why she is texting Mike Smith instead of the other Mike. ( Of course we have the same names). I know my friends are right. It is a waste. We get drunk, and start casually dancing. We're in a room of a lot of people but I somehow feel like it's just us. I've danced with numerous girls; this is something different, although she can't say this because she has a boyfriend! We get into the cab, she sits on my lap. WE'RE HOLDING HANDS. But we get out, and nothing happens. I walk her home. Give looks. Goodnight. No mention of it after that. So naturally I'm eating away inside. I feel like 10th grade again. It's sickening, and my brain is reminding me of the insanity that I am going through. But we still talk, she finds ways to find me, and I enjoy it every time. I called her out on how much we talk, and she asked me what I was trying to say. I retracted my statement. I want to say something, but it's ridiculous! I'm almost 21 years old. I feel 12. I don't know why I get like this. Do I only like her because she is taken? Follow this logic: I'm afraid of being denied, that I go after girls that won't even give me the chance to be denied. I'm saving myself the denial from her; I'm doing it to myself. It's pathetic. But I don't accept this to be universally true. I went to a party and hit it off with one girl. Next day found out she has a boyfriend. What is with this world!? I thought college was time for sexual freedom with everyone and anyone. Why is everyone dating and I'm sitting here updating my Livejournal on a Firday night of my junior year? I missed the beat somewhere. Of course I'm bitter. I'm looking for the right girl.
But hey. It will all work out.
Right? |
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| Sunny Delicious |
[Aug. 17th, 2010|11:30 pm] |
I haven't even commented on the road trip. Talk about slacking. I drove across the country. Exciting.
Summer doldrums, for many different reasons. Too much booze, too few sexual escapades, too many arguments with my mom, too much time wasted. Too many times let down by too many people. Home has become a burden. Having fun is tedious. I'm all for fun, guys. I want to do something, anything. But on my own terms. Now I know why I used to be so lame. I made excuses. Mark and I did some heavy thinking about where we saw each other in different stages of our lives. It was pretty interesting, to say the least. It's impossible for everything to go to plan. Having goals, dreams, and aspirations is important. I'm floating away from my former reality. But I might have been disconnected this whole time. Am I beating around the bush?
I love my life, but there is room for improvement. I've lost a step. I've reverted back to old habits. I'm not as sharp. I've honestly missed having a girlfriend. I'm having the almost 21 year old blues. I want you, you, and/or you. Is it me? Or am I looking in the wrong places? Am I even looking? This isn't a cry for help. If you're reading this, you probably know that I'll forever have some sort of identity crisis. Issues with moving on from the past. I try to imagine what my life would be like if things had gotten farther with one person or another. What if? history. It's childish.
This isn't even close to what I want to say. Internet-bloc. I love you, secretly.
P.S. Back to college soon. Get away from everything that has bothered me over the past few months. |
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| To be Known |
[May. 1st, 2010|07:57 pm] |
I don't really know what it means to know somebody. I think it is difficult to ever know someone. How long does it take? What qualities do you have to know? It probably doesn't really matter. I claim to know people that I don't really know. I'm sure there are plenty of people that think they know me, but they really don't. I wonder if my personality remains constant in both my home life and my life at Marist. It should, right? I shouldn't be someone in one place, and someone else in another. Sometimes I feel like I might be. I guess I'm not really home enough to make that claim. I am probably different now than I was before I came to college. I know I am, actually. My friends at home only get small doses of me throughout the year, so it is hard to judge. And it's hard for me to comprehend my relationship with my friends at home. I've moved past the fact that I am some kind of exemplary individual that others should follow. Find your own way, man. Live it out. But it is obvious that I am different. It's strange, but I feel like my home is now at college and that my friends here are the ones I have grown up with and they are the ones that know me the best. When I go home, I am with the strangers who come from all different places. I miss Patchogue hangouts for nostalgic purposes, but the friend support system isn't the same as it is here. I feel I have a brotherhood here. These are the guys grinding it out with me everyday. We've drank together, smoked together, laughed together, gotten pissed at each other, told each other about our dreams, fears. I feel like we could all just live together forever. I don't think I could live with any of my friends from home. No connection. I wonder if they feel the same. Maybe we just get together our of sheer boredom. I'm not bitter, and I'm not complaining. I still love them, but it's just a different kind of love. I think it took this full year at Marist for us to truly come together. This road trip will be the perfect way to end the year on the right note.
I can't believe that this semester is coming to an end, and that is such a typical thing for me to say. Why am I always fascinated by how quickly the days go by? I can picture the first day I moved into Midrise, I remember the hardships of girls, some friends visiting, getting drunk, too many hours in the lounge and library, working out, going to classes I loved, going to classes I hated just as much, Foxes!, basketball games, smoking by the river, going for walks, freezing my ass off, my birthday, spending a ridiculous amount of money, visiting Cortland, hooking up with freshmen, hooking up with graduates!, alcohol runs, taking tests, arguing with my friends, hours spend in CHAOS, tweeting, confused by girls, losing friends, making more, golf instead of homework, post-its, ill-attempted song writing, mocking, creeping, dreaming, napping, awkwardly avoiding people, old flames, snow days, housing day, and even smaller things in between.
I'm more than content. |
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| A Great Many things. |
[Apr. 24th, 2010|08:41 pm] |
Here's where I stand:
I'm in Poughkeepsie, NY, drinking a Red Bull and Vodka on a Saturday night. I can't remember if I ever heard of Poughkeepsie before I learned about Marist College. I really can't remember when I thought Marist was a potential college for me. I guess I'll thank katy fuoco for that one. My first time at Marist seems like forever ago, and it's partly because it was forever ago. 2007. Wow, 2007. I can't wrap my mind around high school years. I walk around campus and wonder where I am in the world. I wonder about all the other people that came through Marist and are now out in the world. Montana, maybe. Most likely Long Island though. I think about what I will think of this place 10 years from now, 20 years, 30 years. What memories will come back? Does it make sense to say that there are too many memories to remember? Fine, I said it. The late nights, the nights spent in front of a toilet, the library, being high, being drunk, being silly, being studious, being lonely, frustrated, cold, happy? Hopefully a good mix. Will I remember the classes? The professors, the kids in my classes, people in my dorm, my friends? Will Marist mean anything to me? Does college mean anything to anyone? Will I come back, or will I never want to? What does any of this mean?
I'm free! I don't have the power to explain my feelings right now. I'm surrounded by books, newspapers, sunglasses, and Q-tips. I'm listening to Manchester Orchestra. I'm looking at pictures of my childhood, pictures, of me, Ry, and Stacey. I love my family. I want to do it all again just so I can do it all again.
I think I'm moving along rather well. Perhaps too judgmental still, but I feel older. I'm coming into my own. I love everything. Today, I went down to the water to read a book on Rwanda. I sat myself on a rock, and I eventually found a rock that I could lay on. I took off my sweatshirt and used it as a pillow. I started reading, but I realized that I just wanted to lay there. And so I did. I closed my eyes, and I began to nap. It was a little difficult because of the people outside, but I feel so relaxed. I opened my eyes and stared at the tree and the leaves and the blue sky. I thought about stress, and I realized that I'm not stressed. I'm so happy. I have nothing to put me down. I haven't had a sincerely bad day in so long. I'm not even going to knock on wood. I've never been like this. School stress is silly. Social stress? Please. I'm comfortable with my social ability. I'm good, people. I'm not nervous. I'm not envious. I'm not complacent. I'm just happy.
And I'll conclude by saying that I am officially traveling in 3 weeks. I will no longer find excuses to avoid a trip across the country. Joseph, TJ, Mike Smith. 2+ weeks around the country. Cleveland, Sandusky, Chicago, Minneapolis, South Dakota, Wyoming, Salt Lake City, CALIFORNIA, Arizona, Denver, St. Louis, Philadelphia, New York. It's happening. I've lost sleep over it. And we're roughing it. Camping. White tees, jeans, sunglasses, America. Baseball. Alcatraz. Pacific Ocean people. Mall of America. Cedar Point. Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Yellowstone National Park. THE GRAND CANYON. Cheese Steaks. I don't get excited for things, but I am excited for this trip. I haven't been more sure of anything in my life. This trip will mean everything. America! AHHH! I might get a tattoo. I'll collect rocks, dirt, shot glasses, beer cans from my travels. This summer is nothing to me. This trip is everything. Maybe I'll just stay in California.
I haven't told someone that I love them, in a sincere manner, in a long time. I like you. You know what I mean?
AMERICA IS MY HOMEBOY. |
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| Where are you? |
[Apr. 5th, 2010|12:22 am] |
I'm in many different places. This past week I've had the opportunity to go to 3 of my friends' house from school. It's kind of fun to sit in their rooms and wonder how I've gotten to this place. Only 3 years ago they were high school seniors living their own normal lives and I was back on Long Island doing my own thing. It's extremely corny, but I'm fascinated by how things become intertwined. I like to think about the things that they had to go through to get there and the challenges they had to face to become the people they are now that I know them. It's great getting to talk to their family to understand the kind of setting they were raised in. It seems like a lot of my friends had exceedingly normal, healthy, and happy childhoods. Not too many ripples in their sea.
I'm sort of wondering where the moments are that are supposed to take my breath away. Don't get wrong, I'm happy. But seriously, what do I have to do to be knocked off my feet? I can't say with honesty that I am willing to do whatever it takes for something profound to happen, but I don't think it is necessary. There are miracles that happen everyday in every corner of the world. I don't want a miracle, but I want something substantial. Tomorrow, I want the woman of my dreams to knock on my door for an obscure reason, like campaigning for office in student government. At least that way I'll have the chance to decide my own fate. Get me away from the old and bring me into the new.
I'm ridiculous.
But you are perfect. |
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